What Is Nonviolent Communication? A Complete Guide for Beginners

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a practice of speaking and listening with compassion. Created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, it offers a framework for expressing your feelings and needs without blame, while also hearing what others are truly needing.

At its heart, NVC is about creating connection. It helps you move away from conflict and misunderstanding and toward empathy, clarity, and respect.

Nonviolent communication - Teen in discussion with therapist on a sofa during a counseling session indoors.

The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication is built on four simple parts: Observation, Feelings, Needs, and Requests.

1. Observation: Describe without judgment

Instead of labeling or criticizing, you simply notice what happened.

Example

“When you walked out of the room while I was talking…”

This step removes blame and gives you a clear starting point.

2. Feelings: Name your emotions

Identify the emotion you are experiencing.

Example

“I felt hurt and lonely when that happened.”

Naming feelings helps you understand your inner experience and invites empathy.

3. Needs: Discover what matters underneath

Every feeling points to a need. Needs are universal human experiences such as respect, connection, safety, or freedom.

Example

“My need for respect and to be heard was not met.”

Recognizing the need behind the feeling makes it easier to see the humanity in yourself and in others.

4. Requests: Ask clearly and kindly

The final step is to make a specific, do-able request that could meet your need.

Example

“Would you be willing to pause for a moment when I am speaking so I know you are hearing me?”

Requests create possibilities for connection without pressure or demand.

Why Nonviolent Communication Matters

Many of us grew up learning patterns of communication that involve blaming, defending, or criticizing. These habits may help us survive conflict, but they rarely bring us closer to one another. Over time, they can cause distance in our relationships and even in how we talk to ourselves.

Nonviolent Communication matters because it:

  • Encourages empathy and understanding
  • Strengthens relationships with family, partners, coworkers, and friends
  • Reduces conflict and misunderstanding
  • Builds clarity and honesty in self-expression
  • Supports healing and self-compassion

NVC is not just about how you talk. It is about how you listen, both to yourself and to others.

How I First Learned About Nonviolent Communication

I first heard about Nonviolent Communication in 2015, while I was teaching a class of adult learners. A relationship coach named Marshall Bolin visited our classroom to talk about human relationships, conflict, and how to improve communication.

When he mentioned “Nonviolent Communication,” I assumed it was about de-escalating violent situations. The phrase itself can sound that way, and honestly I think it could be worded more clearly. What I discovered, though, is that NVC is not really about crisis or physical violence. It is about something much more everyday and personal.

At the time, I filed it away as “good to know,” but I didn’t use it often.

A few years later, after the birth of my first child in 2018, I went through a severe mental health crisis. In that season, I was desperately trying to find myself again. After some trial and error, I remembered the NVC framework. Slowly, it became a regular part of my journaling practice.

I found myself using it during conflicts with my spouse, in moments of confusion, and anytime something didn’t feel right. The feelings and needs inventories became core tools for processing emotions and making sense of difficult situations. Over time, they shifted from being something I once thought of as optional to being something I now can’t imagine life without.

Using Nonviolent Communication in Journaling

One of the simplest ways to practice NVC is by using it in your journal. Writing gives you space to slow down and reflect before speaking.

Here’s how you can try it:

  1. Write down an observation from your day.
  2. Notice the feeling that comes up.
  3. Ask yourself what need is connected to that feeling.
  4. Draft a request for yourself or for someone else.

Example Journal Entry

Observation

– My friend did not return my message yesterday. I sent it in the morning and kept checking throughout the day, but there was no reply.

Feeling

– I feel anxious and disappointed. Part of me wonders if I did something wrong, and another part feels sad that the connection I was hoping for did not happen.

Need

– I realize I have a strong need for connection and reassurance right now. I also value reliability and communication in my friendships.

Request

– Instead of waiting for one specific person to respond, I will reach out to another friend and invite them for a short call or a walk. That way, my need for connection can still be met without depending on one particular response.

Journaling with NVC helps you build inner clarity and gentleness with yourself. It also prepares you to bring more honesty and empathy into real conversations.

Nonviolent Communication in Daily Life

NVC is not only for conflict. You can use it in everyday moments to bring more presence and connection into your life. Here are a few examples:

  • With Children: “When I see your toys on the floor, I feel worried because I need safety in our home. Would you be willing to help me put them away before dinner?”
  • With a Partner: “When you came home late without calling, I felt anxious because I needed communication. Would you be willing to text me if you are running late?”
  • At Work: “When I was not included in the meeting, I felt frustrated because I needed clarity. Would you be willing to share the notes with me?”
  • With Yourself: “When I missed my workout, I felt discouraged because I need self-care. I will gently recommit tomorrow.”

Tips for Practicing Nonviolent Communication

  • Pause before reacting.
  • Focus on describing what you see, not what you think about it.
  • Use a feelings list to expand your emotional vocabulary.
  • Remember that needs are universal and not tied to one person’s behavior.
  • Practice self-empathy first.

Resources for Learning NVC

If you are new to Nonviolent Communication, here are some resources to support you:

Final Thoughts

Nonviolent Communication is not about being perfect or polite. It is about being real, listening with care, and creating space for everyone’s needs to matter. Whether you practice it in your journal or in your conversations, NVC can open the door to more connection and healing in daily life ❤️